Final Truth
by Listae
Summary: The last thoughts and the last truths before Castiel has to leave for Heaven and shut the door behind him. One-shot where Cas finally understands and accepts the truth of the profound bond. Contains SPOILERS for season 8 finale. Very mild Destiel.


**Hi Guys! Here's a small little one-shot that I came up with after watching Season 8 finale. It contains some spoilers of the finale, and generally seasons 4 to 8, so if you haven't watched it yet, I suggest not to read it now. You're welcome to come back after you watched it though :)**

**It's a bit desperate, but this is how I felt after watching it, so I hope you enjoy it and do tell me what you thought and if you agree with me :)**

**Thx, L.**

I know what pathetic is. I've been around humans enough to recognize pathetic and the way I seek him out is definitely it. It is my last night on Earth, my last few hours here and the way I go to him in the end of my journey is pathetic. I don't need his help, of course I don't. There's nothing he can do to actually help me, there's nothing he can say that I don't yet know, but I go to him anyway under the pretense of needing his help. He doesn't want to help me, he never really does, and Sam needs him far more than I do, but he listens to Sam the way he never listens to me and in the end we find ourselves on my last job. I'm so very grateful to Sam for those last hours with Dean. I will never get the chance to express my gratitude, nor do I think it would be welcome anyway, but in my heart I can't thank him enough.

We're in the bar now, waiting for my brother or sister to show up so I can get the bow. It's where he's comfortable, it's his place in the way and I'm happy this is where it will finally end. He asks me about Heaven and I have the last fleeting hope that maybe he actually cares. I don't lie to him, I tell him it's more than likely I won't survive this. He makes a joke I don't understand and rolls his eyes at me. My heart clenches, but this I do understand, this I know.

In that eye roll I let myself drift over all the things I thought were truth and all the things that really weren't. I remember finding his soul, putting my brand on it and lifting it out of pit despite him shouting and kicking and begging to take any other, to take any worthier. His soul shone brighter than anything I've ever seen in my millennia of existence. Through grime and filth and sorrow of Hell it shone to me and I knew I found the righteous man at last and in than instance I knew, before even understanding how I know it, I knew my life would change.

I remember all my brothers and sisters that were close to me telling me I was making a mistake attaching myself to him, but I disregarded all of it. How can it be a mistake when his soul shines like that?

I remember Rachel shouting at me that he was not my friend and he was not my family because he only ever calls me when he needs something. I disregarded this, because isn't it what family and friends do? Ask for help? And it wasn't really the truth anyway, because when I was alone and stranded with my grace bounded he allowed me to stay with him, he helped me. That's what friends do, right? I was so sure…

I remember Balthazar yelling at me, shaking me trying to get into my thick skull that he doesn't really care, all he cares about is his family, which does include Bobby and Sam and sure as Hell doesn't include me. I didn't believe him, because he said family doesn't end with blood and he said I was family. So I did something I will never seize to regret – I betrayed Balthazar, the only brother who actually loved me and was my friend, in my delirious attempt to stop Raphael and save Dean from the horrors of apocalypse.

I made mistakes, I don't deny that, but my gravest two were made in an attempt to save him. By killing Balthazar I ensured I would never forgive myself, by breaking Sam's wall I ensured Dean would never forgive me. I remember the steely glare in his eyes when I hurt Sam. The look had never been there before and never really stopped to exist after. If there was ever a chance he could be my friend, that he could be my family, that chance was destroyed the moment I touched Sam's head. Now I know it, but it took me long enough…

Now I know… But then, when I helped Sam and Dean came for me in Purgatory I thought it was forgiven, I thought we could move on. Except I should have known he only came for me in Purgatory, because he felt guilty for dragging me into the fight again, and Dean doesn't do guilty. He did all he could to get me out, even though I fought him every step of the way. I didn't really want to be saved and most of all I wanted him to be saved. I did what I did, but it turns out this made him angrier still…

So now, that he rolls his eyes at me in the face of my end, I think about the profound bond that I was so sure about. Profound bond… I bounded myself to him with all I had, I put a leash on myself and did all I could to help him, to save him. I fell for him in all the ways that mattered, but despite of everything, or maybe because of everything he didn't fall.

And really, isn't it just a perfect good bye? It's real and it's brutal like the rest of my attempt of the human life, but he's right here and that's all that I care about. I look at him rolling his eyes and I know there's still time, still hours before I leave or he leaves, but this is a final good bye, because I fell for him in all the ways that mattered.

Except they didn't matter at all.


End file.
